Wow. December 8th. I can't believe this year is almost over. To look back at what this year has brought us....
I woke up this morning with this verse in my head,

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9

Anyone who knows me, knows how much I absolutely LOVE this time of year. I have to admit, there is a little bit of an internal struggle going on inside of me this year due to the "what might have beens". When I think about how I expected this season to be and how it has actually turned out, my heart gets heavy.
It reminds me of a Dr. Suess book, Oh the Places You'll Go. There's a part that says,
"I'm sorry to say so but sadly it's true
that Bang-ups and Hang-ups can happen to you."
It's funny that so many people think they are safe. Safe from "bad things". Safe from "scary things". You know what, you're not. And before this past year. I was one of those people. Not that I thought I was invincible by any means. But until you have had to go through a really "hard time", you don't know how you will act.
What you will become.
How you will grow.
I am thankful for the growth my family and I have experienced. I am thankful for the strength I have received through my weakness.

Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:10

I thank God daily for the strength he made crystal clear through my weaknesses. I thank Him for His abundance of grace. I thank him for comforting me.

This ride called life keeps taking more twists and turns.....we can't see what's around the next bend.
We are to walk by faith, not by sight.
Trusting Him always.
Knowing that no matter how hard today may be, we are made stronger through our weaknesses.
So, that's what we do.
We rest in the fact that God has great things in store for us.
We rejoice in every single blessing, big and small.

As I sit here in what is nearing the "wee" hours of Sunday morning. I am SO incredibly thankful for God's protection. You see, I got a scare tonight. It is a full moon and many of you know my boys go on adventures with Poppi and sometimes Daddy-O when there's a full moon, which they did tonight. They gave the we're on our way phone call around 8:15. When 8:45 rolled around I began to think the fun had taken over and they had forgotten their "curfew"! Then Nana called and said they had been in an accident....hit by a drunk driver! My children, my husband, and my dad. ALL of them. In one car. Hit by a drunk driver. PRAISE GOD they are ok. They were at a red light, waiting to turn and this man never hit his brakes. He hit them not once, not twice, but 3 times. Then tried to flee the scene. Thankfully they were not pushed into oncoming traffic. Thankfully he only hit them at 50 mph. Thankfully they were protected!
The dr.'s say everyone will be extremely sore tomorrow and maybe for a few days after but other than that, everyone is just fine! God is SO good.

I was recently asked the question in my bible study, "does God give you more suffering than you can handle?". We all agreed that most people answer that with, "No!" or "of course not!". I know I heard many a time after we lost Jordan, "God will never give you more than you can handle". Well, that's not true, now is it? Oh my goodness. What a relief that was to hear. He DOES give us more suffering than we can handle. Not that I felt like I needed justification for feeling like Jordan's death was too much for me at first but man oh man that took a weight off my shoulders.
2 Corinthians 1:8-9 says "...we were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead."
As I sit here tonight, pondering what to write, I can't help but feel blessed. "Immensely blessed" as my facebook status states right now. We lost our son, yes. My heart will always ache for him but my heart is overflowing with the goodness of our Almighty God and all the wonderful things He has given us and the plans He has for us.

Super Hero Birthday Bash

The boys had a GREAT time at their party on Saturday. They had an obstacle course for all the prospective super heroes and I think a wonderful time was had by all! It was hot, but it was FUN!

This free slideshow design generated with Smilebox

Camron and Caden are 5!

Hard to believe that 5 years ago these 2 little boys were fighting for their lives in the NICU barely weighing 2 lbs each!

They are smart little whipper snappers now who bring such sweet happiness to our lives each day!

It doesn't get much cuter than this!

Jaxon is 7.....wow!

September 23rd marked 7 years since the day I began the BEST job ever...that of MOMMY!

Jaxon had a great day (as did the rest of us!) He is such a wonderful son and an awesome big brother!

Oak Island

Here is a slideshow from our beach trip. We had a great time! The boys played and played. Jaxon caught more fish than Daddy-O and Poppi put together! He also learned to SURF! Following in his Daddy's footsteps! I am so thankful for this trip! I was able to enjoy the warm ocean breeze, the waves, the soft sand all while basking in Gods love and reflecting on the past few months!

Create a picture slideshow

Operation 2 piece

As I sit here on the last night of our beach vacation, I feel compelled to share one of the many thoughts I had while enjoying the beautiful sun, sand and waves today. Operation.....(wait for it...wait for it....) 2 PIECE! I decided that for no one other than myself, by next summer, I WILL be able to wear a 2 piece (no not a tankini) and like the way I look in it. There, that's it. Sorry if you were hoping for something with a little more meat...not ready to share those thoughts yet! I will get pictures up once we return!

This morning, before I was even fully awake, I heard a whisper saying, "nothing is too heavy for me, take the weight off your shoulders and let me carry it". I got right out of bed, fixed my coffee, and began my quiet time. Determined today would be a good day.
Oh, how quickly that devil can sneak up on us when we least expect it. I heard the Lord's voice so clearly yet the devil began a war with me and I didn't even realize it. It's sad how often this happens. I am just thankful for being able to realize it and if my eyes are clouded, I am thankful the Lord sends people in to point it out for me (you know who you are!)
I have a love hate relationship with facebook. I have seen on facebook a few times over the past few days a story about a premature baby born who was "miraculously" brought back to life after being pronounced dead for 2 hours. The ironic thing is, a few of my friends never saw the post. That's how the devil works. He makes sure you see things that will upset you. He wants to kick you while you're down. I rarely look at the newsfeed on facebook but over the past few days, each time I did, that post was on one of my "friends" newsfeed. The devil knows what he's doing and unfortunately, way too often, we don't realize his deceit.
After an uplifting voicemail a few bbm's and messages, I was given a little jolt. THIS can't make this beautiful day go bad! I have 3 handsome little men staring at me waiting to learn something new today. I have 1 hottie of a husband sitting at work, working his bootie off so I can be here with these boys. I have family and friends who love me and pray for me daily. And best of all, I have a risen Savior who reminds me of His promises daily.

Summer Fun

Last weekend we were SO lucky to get a beach trip with some of our closest friends. We went to Myrtle Beach and had a GREAT time! We played putt-putt, played in the sand, swam until our fingers were wrinkly and just hung out! I couldn't have asked for better behavior from 5 boys (ok, maybe 7 boys) living in close proximity for 4 days! Here are a few pictures from our trip! We can't wait to go back!

Look at all the cuteness on this "mountain"!

This was about 5 minutes before the shark started swimming around them...*gasp*

The Duke's and the Parrish's

Water fun with my boys!

I believe these monkey's were separated at birth...LOL!

The Golden Rule

When I was little, the verse I heard the most was "do to others as you would have them do to you". Luke 6:31

I heard it at home, at school, at Sunday school, everywhere. It never came with much explanation as it explains itself. Treat other people the way you want to be treated. Did we always listen as children, of course not. As adults, you would think people would be a little more sensitive to this matter. Hmm, you'd think! It really makes me sad to see adults knowingly treating other adults badly, or at least not following through on their teachings.

Although, sadly, I can think of many examples, I will give you just one. My grandparents go to a small church. They don't have too many active members and the majority of them are older people. I went to this church when I was little and was married there. I love this church! Every Wednesday night, they gather in the fellowship hall for dinner. I think that's great! When we are in town, we go with them. Last Wednesday, we were there so to dinner we went. Grandma pointed out a man in line and commented that she was glad to see him. She told me he was homeless and comes to eat dinner there most Wednesday nights. They, of course, let him eat for free. I love that they allow this man to come here and eat as it may be the only full meal he gets each week. As everyone goes through the line and gets their plate, they find their table and sit down and begin to eat. This man gets his plate and sits at a table. No one sits with him. Other tables are packed. His table is empty. He doesn't seem to mind. But, I mind. My Papa gets his plate (he was almost the last one as he had been socializing) and sits with us. When he notices that this man was sitting alone, he left his family and went and sat with him. Not across from him but beside him. He sat and they ate and they talked. He didn't discriminate because this man was dirty. He didn't discriminate because this man probably didn't smell the best in the world. He made him feel welcomed and loved. This made my heart happy. I went over and met the man and talked as well. I found out he actually grew up near my grandparents. He was friends with my Mom. He said I looked just like her. He's just like you and me but sad (very sad) circumstances in his life caused him to end up homeless. We should love him just the same. We shouldn't judge him because of what he doesn't have. If you read just a little further in Luke, you will find, "Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn and you will not be condemned. Forgive and you will be forgiven."(6:37) It's simple, we shouldn't judge others. We should treat others the way we want to be treated. Period.

Please don't misunderstand. The people at this church are wonderful, loving people. Some of which I have known most of my life. They have prayed for me, supported me and loved me through all major events in my life. I am just extremely proud of my grandparents for loving on this man each week and making him feel at home. I am proud of them for practicing what they have always preached! I am proud of them for following "the Golden Rule"!

Adoption Tees

These are the t-shirts we designed to sell and raise money for our adoption! I hope you like them! If you would like to purchase one, please send me an email (chrisjennjax@aol.com) and let me know what size you would like. Regular tees are $10 and women's fitted tees are $12. If you are having a hard time reading it, click on the picture and it should make it bigger!

So much can change in 3 months.
It's so ironic when I sit and look back and think about where I thought I would be right now. I can say I am happy because I am. But I am sad too. A little part of me died on May 2nd right along with my son. But, I am a better person because of it. I am not the same person I was then. But that's okay. That's part of the irony. I didn't think I would be able to say these things and truly believe them, but I do. A verse that has meant so much to me is Isaiah 40:31, "but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles: they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."NIV My strength has been renewed through this storm. Renewed in a way I never dreamed but I thank God every day for that strength. When you think you have hit rock bottom, there is only one way to look, and that's up. I had heard that so many times but it takes on a whole different meaning for me now.

My sweet, sweet boys

I have wanted to post lately but I just can't get my thoughts together or sometimes it leaves me before I have the chance to blog about it. I still sometimes feel like I am on that roller coaster. I still have my many colored days. But I am so thankful for the bright days! This part of my life was totally unexpected, not to mention the many changes that have come along with it. So many things are different in my life now. Obviously, the loss of Jordan being extremely negative. Other changes have been good, though, and for that I am thankful.
Chris and I have talked for a long time about adoption. We prayed about this before I got pregnant with Jordan. We decided then that we would adopt our 5th child. We have now begun the adoption process to make that dream a reality. We are all excited as we begin this new adventure. The boys are thrilled. I have to tell you a story that happened while driving last week with the boys. I am going to try and retell it word for word the best I can so if you know my boys, you can imagine them saying these things....
Camron :"Mommy, I am SO happy we gonna adopt a baby."
Mommy: "Me too Cam-Cam"
Camron: "Then we can have Jordan!"
Mommy:"Honey, you do realize the baby we adopt won't BE Jordan. You do know where Jordan is right??"
Camron: "Yes, Mommy, hims in Heaven."
Mommy: "That's right, he's with Jesus and we won't see him again until we go to heaven."
Jaxon (who chimes in from the back seat): "Camron, don't you know that when someone dies, you don't just forget about them, you don't just give their name to someone else! They live on in our hearts (points to his heart) and in our minds (points to his head)! Just because Jordan died, doesn't mean you can give his name to someone else, HE'S STILL OUR BABY. He's just our baby in heaven. Anyway, do you even know what it means to adopt??"
Camron: "yes"
Jaxon: "Let me just tell you. It means that Mommy isn't going to have this baby. Someone else is going to have it and then give it to us, so then it will be our baby too.
Caden:(who had been looking out the window, "thinking" and apparently taking all this is) Mommy, I sure hope God lets us keep this baby here on earth with us this time.
Mommy: Me too baby, me too (then of course we had the conversation that Jordan would never know the pains of this earth because he got to go straight to heaven....)

WOW, I just cried as I drove. How could I not. It makes my heart hurt that these boys have had to experience something like this BUT it also bring such joy to my heart to know that these boys have a deeper understanding for their heavenly Father because of this experience!

So, I ask you all, please be in prayer for our family as we begin this new chapter in our life.

a gift

I received a package in the mail the other day (always an exciting thing in our house!). I opened it to find a sweet card and a cd from a new friend. Someone I have never met but has provided me a lot of encouragement since the loss of Jordan. You see, it is hard to understand someone's heart unless you too have experienced the same loss. You can empathize and be there for someone, sure, but if you have actually been through it, you understand every detail...from the lowest of lows to the highest of highs. Unfortunately, Sarah also lost her sweet baby boy. I am blessed to have been "introduced" to her, even if only through emails (and now snail mail) and I am SO grateful!
Ok, now, back to the package...(sorry, I got a little sidetracked)...it was a CD. Watermark to be exact. I had never heard some of their songs but one just tugged on my heartstrings. It's called Glory Baby. If you haven't heard it, I ask you to please look it up and listen to it.
Sarah, thank you SO much! I LOVE it!

July 12th

To many people, today was just an ordinary day. Not for me. Today was my due date. The day we planned to welcome our 4th son into our family. We did welcome Jordan into our family. A lot earlier than planned. And Jesus welcomed him home unexpectedly. Unexpectedly to us that is, but not to Him. I wish I could explain the sense of peace in my heart. I know my child is in heaven. I know I will see him again one day. I miss him like crazy but I love the thought of him in Jesus' arms. I remember posting the verse, "weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning" (Psalm 30:5) early on and wow, how true that is. Ironically, all day today, I have had the song "Before the Morning" by Josh Wilson in my head. I love that song. I then heard it on the way to work this afternoon. Here are the lyrics for those of you who haven't heard it....(and I recommend you listen to it if you haven't)

Do you wonder why you have to,

feel the things that hurt you,

if there's a God who loves you,

where is He now?

Maybe, there are things you can't see

and all those things are happening

to bring a better ending

some day, some how, you'll see, you'll see

Chorus:

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,

that you still have a reason to sing,

'cause the pain you've been feeling,

can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light

press on, just fight the good fight

because the pain you've been feeling,

it's just the dark before the morning

My friend, you know how this all ends

and you know where you're going,

you just don't know how you get there

so just say a prayer.and hold on,

cause there's good who love God,

life is not a snapshot,

it might take a little time,

but you'll see the bigger picture

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,

that you still have a reason to sing,

'cause the pain you've been feeling,

can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light

press on, just fight the good fight

because the pain you've been feeling,

it's just the dark before the morning

yeah, yeah,before the morning,yeah, yeah

Once you feel the way of glory,

all your pain will fade to memory

once you feel the way of glory,

all your pain will fade to memory

memory, memory, yeah

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,

that you still have a reason to sing,

'cause the pain you've been feeling,

can't compare to the joy that's coming

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,

that you still have a reason to sing,

'cause the pain you've been feeling,

can't compare to the joy that's coming

com'n, you got to wait for the light

press on, just fight the good fight

because the pain you've been feeling,

it's just the hurt before the healing

the pain you've been feeling,

just the dark before the morning

before the morning, yeah, yeah

before the morning

Here is a picture of Jordan's beautiful monument.

front

back

To everything, turn, turn, turn

Ecclesiastes 3:1 says, "there is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:"
Lately the song, Turn, Turn, Turn has come to my mind quite often. Which then leads me to this verse. Is it coincidence? No! It is God. He continues to remind me that there is a season for everything. Some seasons last longer than others. Some seasons, you wish you didn't have to go through but in the end, you realize you are a better person because of them. This whole concept is so great to me. I only wish I could put to words what it means to my heart. I have gone through many a season in my life. Actually, over the past 2 months, I have experienced seasons that I thought I wouldn't see for many years to come. There is time for everything. Not our time friends, HIS time! I am a firm believer in the fact that everything happens for a reason...E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. No matter how minute or monumental.

June 29th, 2002

8 years ago, I married the love of my life! We have been through SO much over the past 13 years! We were high school sweethearts, we've been through boot camp, the Marines, college, 4 beautiful boys, a LONG hospital/NICU stay, numerous crazy health issues, a tragic loss, and so much more! Through it all, he has been my rock! I am so thankful for a loving husband who loves the Lord, loves his family and is a wonderful role model for his children! Here's to many more years of happiness!

Great Wolf Lodge

Poppi sent us on a "GREAT" big adventure this weekend! We went to the Great Wolf Lodge. It all started with a scavenger hunt where the boys had to find clues about what they needed to take. They still had no idea until we arrived at our destination! We had a WONDERFUL time! Our room had a mini "cabin" inside where the boys slept. It had a set of bunk beds, an twin bed, their own tv...they LOVED it! We played in the wave pool, rode water slides, relaxed in the "0" entry (haha) pool outside, and just had an overall great time. We were lucky enough to be able to go with some wonderful friends which made the trip even better! We look forward to next time! This might just become a once a year treat!

An Ode to Mom

My Mom is the absolute BEST. Don't argue with me here people, b/c no one compares ....seriously! She is ALWAYS there for me to do for me anything she can. Sure, sometimes she can be a teeny bit overbearing BUT I'd rather have it this way than the latter. So, just for you Mom, here's a little poem...or a ditty if you will:

I love you Mom, I hope you know
How much I appreciate you, that's "fo sho"!
You've been there for me through thick and thin
With a smile on your face, well...at least a grin ;)
You are the best and that's no lie
I sure hope this made you laugh and not cry!

a "mess"

I had my "postpartum" appointment with Dr. T today. I had put it off long enough. It really wasn't too bad. The nurses were great. They loved on me. They didn't make me sit in the "back" waiting area. Dr. T was awesome as well. He promised a quick visit, which is hard to come by in that office, and he followed through. When I was checking out, the lady who handles that asked me if I needed any formula. I just shook my head no. She smiled and said, "are you sure, you might change your mind later"....I again just nicely said no and went on my way. She didn't know. But it hurt my heart! I guess I think they should have big red letters on my chart to keep that from happening.
On the way there this morning, I hear the song Better than a Hallelujah, by Amy Grant. If you've never heard that song before, go listen to it now. It is fabulous. The chorus says:

"We pour out our miseries

God just hears a melody

Beautiful the mess we are

The honest cries of breaking hearts

Are better than a Hallelujah"

How true is that? How awesome is that? I have used the word "mess" to describe myself more times than I can count since May 2nd. Just ask Chris or my Mom. Mess is defined as: A confused, troubling, or embarrassing condition; a muddle. That's not what God sees. We are beautiful in His sight. As long as we are being true to him and putting our faith in him, faith as small as a mustard seed even, He hears us.

Fear

Think about sitting in a dark room. You can't even see your hand in front of your face. You can hear things better because when one of your senses is lacking, the others tend to "perk" up and help out a little. You start to hear things but since you can't see them, you're not sure what it is. Your mind begins to play tricks on you. You let yourself think the worst. Isn't this what happens in our lives? Tragedy strikes and it is so easy to fall into a pit of darkness. This could be any tragedy. Loss of a job, losing a friend, diagnosis of a disease, death of a loved one, etc. The enemy sees that you are weak and he will hit you while you're down. He will look for any opportunity to keep you in that pit. The only way out is to grab that hand that is reaching down for you.
I think I could have fallen in that pit. I could have let the enemy grab a hold of me. But I didn't. Some people have commented lately at how well they think I am doing, how proud they are of me. I'm not going to lie, people. I'm scared of the dark. I couldn't stay there too long. I had to grab His hand. He pulled me out. Please, don't misunderstand. I am still sad. I still cry. I am still heartbroken but I see the Light.
"The Lord is my light and my salvation - whom shall I fear? The Lord si the stronghold of my life - of whom shall I be afraid?" Pslm 27:1 NIV

1 month

Today has been 1 month since Jordan's death. Yesterday and today really. I know that sounds strange but May 1st was the long day I labored in the hospital while he was born shortly after midnight. As I was writing in my journal this morning, I realized that some days it seems like so long ago and others it seems like just yesterday. The ache my heart feels is still so evident. The pain is still there and it is still very real. I do have a peace now that wasn't there before. It's a wonderful feeling to just feel like I can breath again. One thing I have realized and it has been confirmed in many ways, is that you can't rush grief. If you rush it, you will take longer to heal. I have emotions that creep up on me when I least expect it. I weep at times I wouldn't have before. I miss my son and sometimes, I still weep for him. That's okay. Just like Jesus wept for Lazarus. HE understands my tears. This past month has been very eye opening for me. I have learned so much about myself and others as well.
Remember the tornadoes that hit our area a few months ago? That was the worst storm many of us had seen in a long time. You can still see where the tornadoes hit. There are areas that are bare and new trees will have to grow in those spots to make them full. This is no different. We are weathering this storm but you will always see where it has been. Yes, we have bare spots too. But they, too, will one day be full again.

I have been going through some things lately that have been left untouched for a while. I didn't realize how many cards we received from so many people. I am SO thankful for all the kind and uplifting words in those cards. I was overwhelmed yesterday looking back at them. Honestly, I don't remember seeing half of them....although, I know I did. I, personally, opened and read every single one as it came in the mail but I guess my brain was in too much of a fog to remember them all.

A friend of mine recently shared this poem with me and I wanted to share it here:
A butterfly lights beside us like a sunbeam,
And for a brief moment,
It's glory and beauty belong to our world.
But then it must fly again.
And though we hate to see it go,
We feel so blessed to have seen it.
~author unknown
I love this poem. How true! I feel so lucky to have had the butterflies to release at Jordan's funeral. I also feel so lucky to have the memory of the lone butterfly who waited until we got home to be released. I'll always look at butterflies differently!

One of the things that I have been fearful of during this storm, is having to tell someone what happened. Having to say the words. Those dreaded words..."we lost our Jordan". I finally returned to church Sunday. I had to say them Sunday. It was hard. Tonight, we took the boys to Awana. I ran into someone else who didn't know what had happened. It is a VERY uncomfortable situation. I thought it might be easier each time but a wiser, more seasoned mother in this specific area told me I was wrong and I believe her. I think 2 years down the road, there will be days when I will react the same way I did Sunday. I will say the words, then the tears will come.
I have to share this quote. I love when God gives you quotes and verses that you just NEED...I needed this one today...
"Living a life of faith means never knowing where you are being led. But it does mean loving and knowing the One who is leading. It is literally a life of faith, not of understanding and reason --a life of knowing Him who calls us to go." ~Oswald Chambers

************************************************************************************
*a side note*
Please be in prayer that my CK levels don't go haywire. They have gone up a little. Not enough to change medication or anything but I am praying that won't happen! Thank you!

a new Sunday tradition

I never thought at 30 years old, I would frequent a cemetery, but I will. This has quickly become one of my favorite places. Here are the boys visiting Jordan's grave site. At 4 and 6 years old, they have become wise beyond their years. Jaxon asked the other night if I knew when Jesus was coming back. I told him, no, we don't know exactly. He simply replied, "well Mom, I am ready....(long pause).... and I hope my brothers are ready too." He looks forward to the day he will meet his baby brother. I think it's precious. Bless his heart.

This is our temporary marker until we get the head stone.

We each take a flower. The sweet golf ball was taken by Daddy-O the morning before the men at church left for the golf trip.

My talks with Jaxon remind me of this quote that I read in a journal given to me that reads "Faith is to believe what we do not see; and the reward of this faith is to see what we believe." ~Augustine

I do too

"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." Romans 5:3-5
I have come to love this verse more and more over the past few weeks. I love how God's word can take on different meanings depending on what you are going through in your life. Depending on what you need at that time in your life. God is good.
Through a LOT of prayer this week, a lot of prayer and perseverance, I have realized a lot about myself. I feel like I have made great strides in my grieving process. My great strides may seem like baby steps to the next guy but they are BIG strides for ME. This life that I am living may not be what I would have chosen for myself BUT, I don't get to choose. This is the life my Creator chose for me. Therefore, I am going to live it to the best of my ability. I AM living it to the best of my ability.
I don't want to be known as the poor woman who lost her baby. I want to be known as the lucky woman who has been blessed with 4 boys. Yes, one of those boys is in heaven but he's still my son. I am not, nor will I ever be, "over" Jordan's death. You don't get over things like that. You just find a way to work through it. I will be a better person because of this. I AM a better person because of this. I'm quite sure that each day there will be a new "reminder". There will be many "things" that are going to remind me that I thought Jordan would be here during "this" or "that". But, there will also be a constant reminder that because of my trust in the Lord, I made it through this storm.
Jaxon asked me last night, "Mommy, why did God want Jordan to die?". I told him I didn't know the answer to that. I told him we may never know the answer to that but that God is an omniscient, all powerful God and we aren't supposed to know these things, we just trust Him. He said "okay Mommy, I do".
I do too.

It's okay to cry

Psalm 30:5 says "Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." My morning may not come tomorrow, but it will come.
I am on an emotional roller coaster. It's up. It's down. It's spinning in circles. One minute I will think I'm fine and then, BAM, before you know it, here come the tears! One thing I am realizing is, it's okay. I am 100% free to have ALL of these feelings. God knew the twists and turns this ride was going to take me on WAY before I ever hopped on board. He also knows just how long it's going to take me to go through this grieving process. God is the amazing Author of this book we call life. There are no unknowns for him. Proverbs 3:5 says "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding". I just have to trust that this will all work out. Trust that I am going to be okay. Trust that the ride will calm down, eventually. I don't have to understand. I just have to trust HIM.

I don't know

I don't know:
how long I am going to feel like this.
how long my heart is going to feel like it's been torn into a gazillion pieces.
how long my arms are going to ache for my child.
how long I am going to cry at the drop of a dime.
how long I am going to not want to talk at all some days and want to talk a lot the next.
I just don't know.
I DO know:
I will feel better one day.
I serve a faithful God who is seeing me through the pain I feel.
HE knows how this is all going to play out eventhough I don't have a clue.
I need my family and friends.
I am SO incredibly blessed.

Do you know Him??

I don't really know where I want to go with this post. I have had the "title" in my head for the past few days. I have touched on this in a few of my recent posts but it's hitting me hard lately so I guess that means I need to hit my readers with it as well.

Do you know Jesus? Have you asked Him into your life? Do you know where you will be on that day He returns to this earth to take us home? Are you certain that when that day comes, you will be reunited with your loved ones at Heaven's gate? Friends, please, if you question this at all, tell me. No, I am not in a place emotionally right now that I can talk you through this but I can connect you with someone who can.

I cannot stress to you enough how fleeting each moment is. You never know what day will be your last. You never know when the words you speak to someone will be the last words they hear you utter. I say this to you so you will make the most of EVERYTHING you do. Don't put off till tomorrow what you can do today. When someone is taken from you, taken when you least expect it, you will understand what I am talking about...but then it will be too late. Don't question where you stand when it comes to your salvation. I would not be able to make it through this if I didn't know Jesus. I pray for strength and He gives it to me. I feel like I can't go on and He carries me. He knows what I need just when I need it.

I am going leave you with the lyrics to the song How you Live by Point of Grace to think about your life. Please make sure you are where you should be. Please make sure you are living your life the way you want to be....
Wake up to the sunlight
With your windows open
Don't hold in your anger or leave things unspoken
Wear your red dress
Use your good dishes
Make a big mess and make lots of wishes
Have what you want But want what you have
And don't spend your life lookin' back
Turn up the music
Turn it up loud
Take a few chances
Let it all out
You won't regret it
Lookin' back from where you have been
Cuz it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live
So go to the ballgames
And go to the ballet
And go see your folks more than just on the holidays
Kiss all your children
Dance with your wife
Tell your husband you love him every night
Don't run from the truth
'Cause you can't get away
Just face it and you'll be okay
Turn up the music
Turn it up loud
Take a few chances
Let it all out
You won't regret it
Lookin' back from where you have been '
Cause it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live
Oh wherever you are and wherever you've been
Now is the time to begin
So give to the needy
And pray for the grieving
E'en when you don't think that you can
'Cause all that you do is bound to come back to you
So think of your fellow man
Make peace with God and make peace with yourself
'Cause in the end there's nobody else
Turn up the music
Turn it up loud
Take a few chances
Let it all out
'Cause you won't regret it
Lookin' back from where you have been
'Cause it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live
'Cause it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live

the good, the bad, the ugly

I guess blog followers know that some days people will have bad days...this is one of them for me
Today I feel BLACK.....
I am angry today. I feel pressured. I feel forced. I'm just not happy. Obviously I know I'm not supposed to feel happy but I wish I could explain. I wish I had the words to make people understand. I don't know anyone who has lost a child. If I do, and my brain is forgetting you right now, I'm sorry. I have never even lost an older relative. The closest I have lost is the sibling of a best friend. It's just not the same. I don't have memories to cling to. I don't have "that great trip we took", or photos of great times. My child never took a breath so the only memories I have are of his lifeless body. Yes, I will treasure those forever but it's not the same. My arms ache to hold him again. My breasts are full of milk that he will never drink. My uterus hurts as it tries to get back to "normal". I have things I planned to do. Many, many things that were supposed to involve Jordan. That is SO hard to think about.
Yes, friends, I will be me again but it will be a new me. I will be okay again, but I can't promise you when. I will have a "new normal" as I've said many times but NOT YET. It's only been 10 days. 10 days and my pain is still fresh. Physically and emotionally it's like an open wound that is constantly being dipped in salt. Some things are inevitable, some things are accidental. Regardless, it hurts.
Right now, the "real" world is almost scary to me. Scary because my little world has not yet started turning again and all of yours has. I'm not ready for that. I am perfectly content sitting it my quiet time chair imagining I am sitting in the lap of Jesus. Knowing, waiting for him to take the pain away. Little, by little. Step, by step. One day at a time. In what ever way HE sees fit.

My Baby Bean

Most of you who have followed my blog for a while or those who know me at all, know that Chris and I called Jordan, Baby Bean from day 1. Before we had a name for him, He was Baby Bean. We added a few funnies in there like Jumpin' Bean and Jelly Bean but Baby Bean was his "nickname". Yesterday in the mail, amidst the many cards we receive each day (which I LOVE them all dearly) there was an envelope that was a little fatter than the rest. It was from a couple we used to be really close to when Chris was in the Marines. He opened the card and inside was a little black pouch that said "My Forever Child" in gold writing. I immediately got a lump in my throat b/c I have looked at this website many times since Jordan died. I just happened upon it one day looking at keepsake jewelry and have even chosen a necklace from there that I HAVE to have. Anyway, I opened the little pouch and there was this beautiful silver necklace shaped like a bean. The card from Marcy told me the necklace was actually called "The Baby Bean" necklace for mother's who had lost a child. I think it's probably for those who lost one earlier on than I but how PERFECT is this necklace? I absolutely love it. Marcy and Ant, thank you SO much. I will always treasure this necklace!

My Many Colored Days by Dr. Suess

Some days are yellow.
Some are blue.
On different days I'm different too.
You'd be surprised how many ways I change on Different Colored Days.
On Bright Red Days how good it feels to be a horse and kick my heels!
On other days I'm other things.
On Bright Blue Days I flap my wings.
Some days, of course, feel sort of Brown.
Then I feel slow and low, low down.
Then comes a Yellow Day and Wheeeeeee I am a busy, buzzy bee.
Gray Day....Everything is gray. I watch. But nothing moves today.
Then all of a sudden I'm a circus seal! On my Orange Days that's how I feel.
Green Days. Deep deep in the sea. Cool and quiet fish. That's me.
On Purple Days I'm sad. I groan. I drag my tail. I walk alone.
But when my days are Happy Pink it's great to jump and just not think.
Then come my Black Days. MAD. And loud. I howl. I growl at every cloud.
Then comes a Mixed-Up Day. And WHAM!
I don't know who or what I am!
But it all turns out all right, you see. And I go back to being...me.

This book came to mind today as I sat alone with my thoughts. I couldn't help to think how well this describes me right now. I feel so brown. I feel so purple. I feel so grey. I feel so black. I really don't know who or what I am but I do know that one of these days, the other colors will return and I WILL go back to being me.

Baby steps

I left the house today. I mean, I left the house for something other than something I was forced to leave the house for. Well, Chris and Mom sorta "forced" me but the point is, is that I did it. Mom and I usually do some sort of shopping on Mother's Day. So I left the house today. I did a little shopping with my Mom. I went to Target, Kohl's and CVS. Nothing too exciting. Mom even offered a pedicure but I declined. It's too soon for that I think. Those poor women may not understand if I start weeping while getting my toes done. I wouldn't want them to think they were hurting me ;).
I got part of the most beautiful ring today (the other part is being shipped here). Since before Christmas, I have said I wanted a stackable mother's ring. You know, the sort of expensive ones. 3 bands with sapphires and diamonds since Jaxon, Camron and Caden are all September babies and 1 band with emeralds and diamonds because Jordan was a May baby. I love it. It's just what I wanted.
I also got a very unexpected surprise today. One I'm still not quite able to wrap my mind around. My bif stopped by with a tissue box. I thought, silly girl, doesn't she know I have plenty of tissues around this house. The box was full of donations from our amazing church family. We definitely have the greatest Sunday School family and MOPS family ev-er. I am so at a loss for words...and those of you who know me well, know that is NOT an easy things to do. Thank you all so much. We love you dearly.
For all of you Mommy's out there. I hope you had a great Mother's Day. This was the hardest Mother's Day I have ever had BUT God has given me 3 healthy boys and for that I am thankful. I am thankful that the one I lost is in heaven smiling down on us, awaiting the day we will again be together. In the midst of my pain, in the midst of this emptiness, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am blessed.

I'm ready to share the butterfly story

This was an email sent out late Wednesday night to those who attended Jordan's Memorial service. To get you up to speed, one of our closest family friends went over and above and got us butterflies to release at the service. This is SO God.....

Just now, Chris and I came upstairs to go to bed. He was going to jump in the shower so I sat down here at the computer to check email. Earlier I had gone through the box that held those wonderful butterflies today deciding what to do with the last few "packets". There were 4 empty packets (we had given some to our parents and grandparents, etc.). I had been teary earlier as I held the box, talked to Chris about them, was just so thankful to have been able to do that. We made extra sure that box made it home. I held it earlier when the family was here, left it on the stairs till I came upstairs earlier this afternoon where I have sat numerous times today, alone in the quiet in my room. All that said, Chris started running the water, I was reading the email and I heard a noise. It was a fluttering noise. I first looked at our window for a fly or something then I noticed the box. I grabbed it, pulled everything out and there were 5 packets in the box, one containing a lone butterfly still waiting for his release. I yelled for Chris which of course scared him, we went downstairs (yes he got dressed first) and we released our last little butterfly. One of the smallest of them all, in our own front yard. It just seems amazing to me and I wanted to share it with those of you who were there.

Today, I decided I wanted to share it with the rest of you. God works in mysterious ways. I had not seen nor heard anything in that box the entire day. This was nothing short of a miracle to me. Our God is an AWESOME God. He knew I needed that last butterfly. He knew Chris and I needed that time, alone, together here at home to release him into the world on the day we released our earthly son to our Heavenly Father.

A poem from Mommy

For 30 weeks we waited so
Patiently for you to grow
Our 4th little boy, we had it all planned
Our life together would be so grand

The trips we'd take, the ball we'd play
The funny little things you'd say
Your brothers would teach you songs to sing
What joy your little life would bring

But on the very 1st of May
We discovered life wouldn't go that way
For God had a different plan
A plan I don't yet understand

Like an angel in heaven looking down
Wearing a beautiful golden crown
My precious son I'll never know
I'll never get to watch you grow

The day will come, the time will be
When God will also call on me
And on that beautiful, glorious day,
In my loving arms you'll stay.

Today has been the hardest

I don't know why but from the minute I woke up this morning, I knew today was going to be hard. The boys, Chris and myself gathered the items we wanted placed inside the casket with our sweet Angel baby, Jordan. Jaxon gave me a small blue teddy bear. You know the ones you get at the craft stores. He thought it would be "perfect". Camron gave me a brown beanie baby bear that he says is "super soft". Caden gave me a baby blue beanie bear that says "it's a boy", although for whatever reason, Caden wanted to put "three things in dere Mommy". Chris wrote him a sweet letter on a baseball and added a ceramic Mickey Mouse he's had since he was little. I poured my heart out in a letter and added a tiny stuffed puppy that I have had since the day I was born.
I have never in my life seen a casket so small. 24 inches long and absolutely beautiful. I know that the casket holds nothing more than his body but I love that it is beautiful. Thank God that my baby is being held in the arms of Jesus right now. Thank God.
I was able to hold him one last time. I could have sat right in that chair and held is tiny body forever. He is the most precious thing I have ever laid eyes on. He may have already left this earth to be with our Heavenly Father but he will ALWAYS be my baby. He will always be my 4th son! I will always be blessed for having 4 boys. I have no earthly idea why this is happening to us. I cannot fathom why God decided he needed my child before I ever got to know him. But I am so thankful I serve a powerful and almighty God who DOES know. Regardless of how much I like to be in control, one thing I have learned in my roller coaster of a life is that I don't get to. Not now, not ever. This will all make perfect sense to us one day. Oh, how I long for that day to come.
I will end this post by saying I am SO brokenhearted. Brokenhearted to the point that I question how I will ever return to normal. I know that I will, don't get me wrong. I have been blessed with 3 wonderful, healthy boys who need their Mommy. Therefore, I will NOT crawl into that hole that I have been threatening to find. But back to my point, I am broken hearted. My spirit may be crushed right now but just like Psalm 34:18 says The Lord is CLOSE to the brokenhearted and saves those whose are crushed in spirit. I can feel His arms around me and I am so thankful I know Him. I cannot imagine going through something of this magnitude and not knowing Jesus.

blue and white gingham

24 inches long and blue and white gingham. The inside bears a little heart with fluffy white pillows. This best describes the casket we just chose for our baby. Our baby who we prayed for. For so long, for so hard, we prayed. Just as it is said in 1 Samuel, For this child I prayed; and the LORD hath given me my petition which I asked of him:
I carried Jordan for 30 weeks. These were 30 wonderful, awesome weeks. The joy that I felt during those weeks, I cannot explain. I wanted him so badly. We all did. We wanted our 4th boy. We looked forward to the "oh my goodness" comments and the open mouthed stares. We prayed for this child and yes, the Lord gave him to us. Though, he also took him away. Too soon for us, but not too soon for Him. God needed him. My son is dancing in heaven with Jesus right now. He will never face the cruelty of this world. He will never experience the hurt we feel every day.
Friends, please don't read this and think I am okay with what has happened because I am NOT okay with this. I have full faith that my my God is an almighty powerful God but right now I am mad. I am angry and I DO NOT understand. I cannot stop the tears. I cannot understand. I cannot make any sense of it whatsoever. So I cling to what I do know. I cling to the fact that I will hold my baby again. I will kiss his face again and when I do, he will be able to squeeze me back. He will be able to give me the biggest, wettest kiss ever. Until then....Please pray that I will find a way to be ok.

Jordan Robert Duke

At 12:16 am, this morning, we welcomed our 4th son into this world. He weighed 3lbs 8oz. and was 16in long. He was beautiful. Perfect in every way. He never took a breath, he never cried. But you see, his life was already better than mine and better than yours. He was already with Jesus. For reasons that I cannot even begin to fathom right now, our son was taken from us much much sooner than I ever dreamed. I don't know why this happened. I honestly can make no sense of it what so ever. But I trust completely, fully, and whole heartedly that there IS a reason. One day I will know. One day, that reason will be made clear to me. One day.
Friends, I thank you so much for the calls, emails, texts, facebook messages, etc. It means so much to our family. I cannot put in to words the pain I am feeling right now. If it were physically possible for a heart to be broken, mine would be. It will take time, lots of it I'm sure.
At this point, we are not sure if there is a medical reason this happened. We are planning a small grave side service for our family. I can't even really wrap my mind around that right now. I am 30 years old and I have to plan my babies funeral arrangements.
I know many of you have tried to call. I really can't talk right now. Please know I love you and I covet your prayers but I can't talk about it. It just hurts too badly right now. Please continue to pray for our family. Pray that Chris and I are able to deal with this in the best way we know how. Pray our boys can make sense of this the best way their little minds are able.

Baby Bean Update!

I had an Ob appointment yesterday. They did my monthly growth scan and lots of other "fun" things! Jordan is looking great! He is measuring a little over a week big! My belly is measuring 2 weeks big! WOW, who-da-thunk-it??? HA! We took the boys to see the ultrasound. It was a lot of fun. We got to see Jordan opening his eyes, "waving" and opening his mouth. I am negative for gestational diabetes. I think that's about it!
We also had maternity pics done on Sunday by dear friend Kelly from Durham! They turned out GREAT! To take a look at some of the favorites, visit her blog at www.kellygoodphotography.blogspot.com
I am SO pleased with them! I can't wait to get them and get them framed! Thanks Kel!

t-shirts

I will be ordering our March for Babies shirts soon. We are working on the final product now. If you are interested in a shirt, PLEASE let me know asap! They will be $10 each. They will be similar to years past with the boys footprints on the front and a picture when they were first born on the back as well as a current pic. I will post a sample as soon as we have it ready! They shirts are $10 each!

24 weeks

I had my follow up appointment at Maternal Fetal Medicine today. Baby Bean looks GREAT! They cleared me to start going to my Ob office for growth checks every 4 weeks from here on out! I got some REALLY good pictures of our little cutie too! Here are a few!

Oh my...I can barely stand it!

Jaxon's Baptism

Children are truly gifts to us. Whether we carry them for 9 months (or less in many cases) or adopt them into our families, they are a gift. A gift from God, lent to us while on earth. We pray and pray for them from they time we decide to "have" them. We pray for so many things. One of the things Chris and I have prayed for our boys, is their salvation.

During our Bible lesson a few Monday's ago, Jaxon accepted Christ. He seemed so grown. I had to fight back tears. I was just amazed at how "big" he seemed. He just glows at the mention of it and was SO excited and ready to be baptized. Last night was his big night. He was nervous for the bigger part of the day (which I have to admit was absolutely adorable) but he did a great job! He requested a cupcake celebration after church. He wanted chocolate icing on his cupcakes with a white cross on each one. Many of our family and friends came to celebrate his big day. It was great and we are extremely proud of him.

Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from Him Psalm 127:3

He cracks his knuckles when he's nervous!

Pastor Dean used him to demonstrate!

It's blurry but he's "born again!" (look at Daddy-O

in the background :))

"a perfect day"

Those are the kind of words I like to hear from my Dr.'s. If you know my history, unfortunately, I don't hear them often (which is fine b/c I am a stronger person b/c of that) BUT...I heard those words today! I had to have an ultrasound to check my cervical length (nope, no fun baby pics, just a peak at his ear b/c that's what was "down there") Dr. T said given my history, he would be happy with my cervix being at least at 2 (I'm thinking cm? not sure...medical people correct me please). Mine was 4.9...with pressure! That is AWESOME! He said all looked good and that today was a "perfect day" for me! I go back in 2 weeks to have it checked again!
To make my day even better, my nurse called from my rheumatologist when I got home and told me my CK levels were back and they were down to 161...woopdie doo! That is SO normal, I don't even know what to think!
Just wanted to share my good news...on this BRIGHT and SUNNY day! God is GOOD!

Today has been a busy day of birthdays! We started our day roller skating at Skate South celebrating Siler's birthday! The boys had a blast (yes that includes Dadddy-O)! Later, Camron and Caden went to Ci-Ci's pizza to celebrate Ella's birthday. From there they met me at the Barber abode to have a "sleeping" party for Jones. The picture proves what a great time they had having a sack race in their pillow cases! Luckily, these aren't the pillow cases that were wet from the paint! They each got to personalize their own pillow case as a take home craft! What a busy day and we are all so tired but OH so blessed to have so many wonderful friends to celebrate!

Daddy-O on skates!

taking a little break!

Jaxon is getting pretty good at this!

Ready, Set, HOP!

Field Trip

We took a field trip with some of our homeschool friends to the Natural Science Center last Friday. It was SO much fun! We didn't get to go outside to visit the animals due to the c-c-cold weather but we WILL be back soon to do it again! Here is a picture of our crazy crew!

Girls Over-Night Out!

Last weekend I was SO blessed to be able to have a girls night out with Brooke, Kelly, and Tonya (from Durham) in Burlington! We meet there quite often for dinner but this time we not only met for dinner but also shopping and an over night stay in a nice hotel! We had a GREAT time! Oddly enough, of all the shopping I did, I didn't buy one thing for myself. ( Oh wait, I take that back, I did buy 1 thing...but it was for maternity photos...so not sure that counts! ) We had dinner at the Olive Garden, did lots of shopping, then stayed up talking and laughing until way too late (for us Mommy's that is!).

Roller Skating Party

So I am a little late in posting this! The boys had a Valentine's Skate Party with our homeschool group from church. This was all three of my boys first time on skates. They LOVED it and really impressed me with how well they did! Jaxon's buddy Siler is a mini-pro! You might be able to see him zooming past in some of the pictures!

We have a birthday party tomorrow at the skating rink and the boy are SO excited! Oh, and for all of you wondering...this momma is NOT getting in skates prego...no worries there!

Camron and Caden posing while skating...can we say skills!

Jaxon is getting good!

How stinkin' cute are these 5???

Our homeschool group! What a good lookin' bunch!

20 week ultrasound

I went in today for my follow up ultrasound. We got lots of great pictures of our little Baby Bean. The Dr. said his spine and lips look great. All the shots they couldn't get last time, they were finally able to get. He is measuring a little over a week larger than 20 weeks which is fine. They did notice a little ( very small amount ) of fluid around his kidneys. The Dr. thinks it will be gone by my next ultrasound in 4 weeks. I will have ultrasounds every 4 weeks from now on to check his growth. Apparently my being on a low dose of prednisone can cause the baby to be smaller. Anyway, we are praising the Lord that everything looks good and praying that the kidney issue is something that we won't have to worry about in the future!


This is his hand up over his face. You can see his nose and lips. This is my favorite!

Profile shot



We caught a yawn! It was adorable!

These are just a few, there are more on facebook!

March For Babies

Camron

Caden

Hello Family and Friends~
It's that time of year again to start getting ready for the annual March For Babies Walk. Camron and Caden are almost 4 1/2 years old. As each year passes, we get farther and farther away from that terrifying time when they were fighting for their lives in the NICU. Farther and farther away from the roller coaster ride that lasted for 2 long months and even continued once we got them home and still weren't sure what the future would hold.
For those of you who are new to our story, let me fill you in. For those of you who have been with us all along, let me refresh your memory.
Camron and Caden were born in my 28th week of pregnancy. They were supposed to have close to 12 more weeks to grow and develop inside! Camron weighed 2 lbs. 8 oz. at birth, dropping down to 2 lbs 3 oz. and Caden weighed 2 lbs 4 oz. at birth, dropping down to 1 lb 14 oz. Can you imagine holding 2 bags of sugar in your hands. That's what it was like holding my babies. Both of them needed surfactant at birth and then again after as well. The research for surfactant was made possible by funding done for the March of Dimes. Camron and Caden both had a very hard time learning and remembering to breath on their own while in the NICU. Many of you know, Caden had a hard time remembering even once we got home which resulted in a 911 call and many "close" calls. Both of the boys had intraventricular hemorrhages on BOTH sides of their brains. Caden had a grade II on one side and III on the other. Camron had a grade III on one side and a grade IV on the other. A grade IV is the worst. It is only by the grace of God that there are no long-term effects from those bleeds today. Many children with those bleeds have life long problems such as cerebral palsy and hydrocephalus. Both of the boys had ROP (retinopathy of prematurity). This is what caused Stevie Wonder to go blind. Camron's was much more severe than Caden's. He has worn glasses since the age of 7 months due to that as well as other issues with his vision. Both of the boys had bilateral inguinal hernia's which required surgery at 5 months of age when they were strong enough.
These are only some of the obstacles Camron and Caden faced from being born prematurely. Wouldn't it be nice if ALL babies could be born FULL-TERM? Wouldn't it be nice if ALL babies could be born HEALTHY? With your help, we can get closer to that point! On April 24th, starting at 9am at Center City Park in Greensboro, we are going to WALK to save babies. Up until that date, we are going to RAISE money to fight against prematurity. Please help us win the fight against prematurity! Visit our site at www.marchforbabies.org/dukeboys.
If you have any questions at all, please let me know! I would be more than happy to answer them!
Love to all,
Chris, Jenn, Jaxon, Camron, Caden, and baby Bean!

Update

Wow, I feel like I have so much to update since my last post...wait a minute, that's because I do! I have some awesomely amazing news first and foremost! I had my CK level checked last week at my rheumatologist office and my levels are down to 275. Yep people you are reading that correctly, no need to clean those lenses or wipe those eyes! 275. That is almost normal. Normal is between 40 and 230 (I believe). That is a reason to high five the person closest to you right now!
As I'm sure some of you know, I was very set on NOT finding out the sex of this baby. Our goal was to be pleasantly surprised on the big birth-day. Well, we were pleasantly surprised last Friday instead. Let me start from the beginning. I got a shocking phone call Wednesday morning. A nurse from my ob office called to let me know my AFP test had come back "abnormal". (Now, I know what you're all thinking...what does Jenn do that IS normal) She went on to tell me they wanted me to come in and have an ultrasound so they could check for visible neural tube defects such as spina bifida. Needless to say, I was a mess. I called in the troops (aka, Chris, Nana, and Poppi) and off we went to take care of boys or go to to the dr. The ultrasound tech could not see any "gross abnormalities" of the spine but baby bean was not laying the correct way. After meeting with Dr. T, he suggested this very well could be a false positive but he wanted me to go to the hospital for a high risk specialist to do another ultrasound. The second ultrasound was scheduled for Friday morning. We went to this appointment praying for a more concrete answer and that baby bean would just be perfect, the way God planned all along! At this appointment, it was confirmed that the spine and the abdomen both looked good. They could not get a good shot of the mouth at this one! This means they could not rule out cleft palate. Being that I am still taking a low dose of prednisone, this is a concern. I will be going back in a few weeks to have a repeat ultrasound to check all of these things again. I will then have an ultrasound every 4 weeks to keep a close watch on baby bean as well as myself. If I wasn't all the way in the high risk category before, I'm there now! With all that said, there were many shots baby bean was NOT letting those techs get during these 2 ultrasounds. There was one thing baby bean wanted us to see and made sure of it! We saw the goods. Baby Boy Bean is not a shy baby at all! He is very proud of himself as he should be! He is a blessing to our "little" Duke family and an answer to a long awaited prayer!