24 inches long and blue and white gingham. The inside bears a little heart with fluffy white pillows. This best describes the casket we just chose for our baby. Our baby who we prayed for. For so long, for so hard, we prayed. Just as it is said in 1 Samuel, For this child I prayed; and the LORD hath given me my petition which I asked of him:
I carried Jordan for 30 weeks. These were 30 wonderful, awesome weeks. The joy that I felt during those weeks, I cannot explain. I wanted him so badly. We all did. We wanted our 4th boy. We looked forward to the "oh my goodness" comments and the open mouthed stares. We prayed for this child and yes, the Lord gave him to us. Though, he also took him away. Too soon for us, but not too soon for Him. God needed him. My son is dancing in heaven with Jesus right now. He will never face the cruelty of this world. He will never experience the hurt we feel every day.
Friends, please don't read this and think I am okay with what has happened because I am NOT okay with this. I have full faith that my my God is an almighty powerful God but right now I am mad. I am angry and I DO NOT understand. I cannot stop the tears. I cannot understand. I cannot make any sense of it whatsoever. So I cling to what I do know. I cling to the fact that I will hold my baby again. I will kiss his face again and when I do, he will be able to squeeze me back. He will be able to give me the biggest, wettest kiss ever. Until then....Please pray that I will find a way to be ok.
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18 comments:
daily that is my prayer for you. The rain yesterday had me thinking of you. Your faith will be a comfort. Love to you all.
You are amazing. Throughout your heartache, you find the strength to witness to others and let your faith shine. You write with such grace. You know we all miss you and love you. You are amazing beyond words.
I can't claim to even have a hint of understanding for what you are going through. But I can tell you that I am constantly praying for you guys; that you receive the only true comfort that only comes from God, and that you keep clinging to the hope about which you have just blogged. Thank you so much for sharing your heartfelt emotions with us. It helps us know how to pray for you. Love from the Phillips Family.
Dear Jenn,
I was so heartbroken to hear the news of Jordan's death. My own son was born still at 31 weeks and was nearly the same size as him. I hate that another family has to feel the often unrecognized pain of this kind of loss. Please know that your love will never fade(that was my fear) and that eventually the good days will outweigh the bad days. Our angels are looking over us until we meet again and then we will be the lucky mothers that get to have brand-new babies when we get to heaven.
Please contact me if you need a shoulder to lean on from someone who has walked down the path you are now on.
With compassion and prayers,
Cathy Pepin (NP) cathryn.pepin@gmail.com
Prayers are going up for you and your family. Love, Christy
I love you my sister in Christ and see your faith shining through. Praying without ceasing for you and your family.
I contine to pray. I am amazed at your words, but I can't imagine how this hurts. I do know God has you in his hands, and will hold you for ever. Praying with out ceasing
I am still praying every day. You are strong, even if it doesn't feel like it right now. You are an amazing, wonderful, loving mother. I love you!!
You know sweet one, that is exactly what I have been praying for you.... that you can get through each minute of the day as best you can and just be okay. Your emotions are raw and real and all of that is exactly how you should feel. Anger is just an outward sign of pain. Loving you so much as so many of us are.. just hoping that we can help carry you through this with God's help too. Right now, we just let you grieve for Jordan as we grieve for all of you. Prayers and hugs.
Jen,
My daily prayer is that God will give you and the family comfort and strength like only He can. I too was angry and mad when I lost my first two little ones at 13 weeks gestation. It is normal to be angry and confused as to why. Your strength and faith in God amazes me. I hope that I can show such a light to so many in a time of pain. Just know that Jordan is in the arms of his heavenly father waiting on you to come home. When that heavenly day comes he will be waiting with open arms. Loves and prayers go out to you from so many and know that we constantly pray for you and the family.
Praying consistently,
The Parrish Family
I came upon your blog via the blog of the Mom Tog Diaries. There are no words for me to express how sorry I am that this has happened to you and your family. As a mother my self it's unthinkable that something so cruel and horrible can happen. It's unfair just unfair! I sent you my prayers and love and wish you all the best. I hope that your heart can heal amidst a horrible heartache!
I don't know you, but I heard of your loss on Kelly Good's facebook page and I am grieving with you right now - I too lost my little boy, at 38 weeks back in August 2009 and am still very much grieving his death. I'll be praying for you guys in the coming days and weeks. It's so hard... If there is anything I can do to help, please feel free to email me steddins@hotmail.com. I also started a blog at www.seddins.blogspot.com to help me process things. Sending my love and prayers, Sarah
Jenn,
I am praying for you. My heart is breaking for you and your family. I love you. God will use you and this experience somehow for his glory. My soul cries out for you that you have to go through this. You are so strong in Christ. It is evident in your very manner of your relationship with God. Even at our weakest points, he carries us. He loves you! My neighbor is the wife of the pastor for Day Star on 220. They lost their 5th child when he was only 2 days old (almost 3 1/2 years ago). She said he looked perfect, but was born without any kidneys. It still causes her pain, but she has Christ to lean on and God's amazing grace & peace - the great comforter- the holy spirit.
I am so sorry. After some time goes by, if you want to talk to her, I can get her contact information to you. She did go on to have a 6th child that was healthy.
Praying for you constantly,
Katherine Gomez
Jenn,
Still praying for you. I am sure that your road ahead will be filled w/ a roller coaster ride of emotions, some days things will be ok and you will feel at peace and other days I'm sure you will be angry and in disbelief. Just continue to cling to what you know and what remains constant. That your God loves you and will never leave you and that little Jordan will see his mommy again one day. You WILL get to see that sweet face and love all over him and he WILL love you back. Don't ever lose that hope. My heart breaks for you daily. It breaks for the pain your are facing and for the pain that I know you will face daily. But I rejoice in knowing that your faith is rooted in Christ and that you do have true hope in uniting with your sweet boy once again. I love you friend and will continue to pray for you. Thanks for keeping us updated. ♥ u, Hana
Jenn, my heart breaks for your family. Please know that you are in my prayers!
Leslie Bailey
I agree with what the Good Family said - - - you're amazing beyond words. During this time, you find the courage to show your faith and strength, We're all here for you, Chris and the boys. We love you!
Philippians 4:7 And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
My thoughts and prayers go with you. (I am a friend of Ali Haefs who has shared your story.) As we lift your family up in prayer on this difficult day, I hope that you can find some peace in the midst of heartbreak and sorrow. Praise the Lord, for He is good, and He heals those who are broken.
Praying for you. I can't imagine your heartache, but I am so grateful that you have your faith to carry you through your grief. I don't know if it would be a comfort, but I have a friend who operates a website devoted to your situation, myforeverchild.com. Having something to carry with you always might help in some small way. I will be praying for comfort and healing and peace for you and your family.
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