My sweet, sweet boys

I have wanted to post lately but I just can't get my thoughts together or sometimes it leaves me before I have the chance to blog about it. I still sometimes feel like I am on that roller coaster. I still have my many colored days. But I am so thankful for the bright days! This part of my life was totally unexpected, not to mention the many changes that have come along with it. So many things are different in my life now. Obviously, the loss of Jordan being extremely negative. Other changes have been good, though, and for that I am thankful.
Chris and I have talked for a long time about adoption. We prayed about this before I got pregnant with Jordan. We decided then that we would adopt our 5th child. We have now begun the adoption process to make that dream a reality. We are all excited as we begin this new adventure. The boys are thrilled. I have to tell you a story that happened while driving last week with the boys. I am going to try and retell it word for word the best I can so if you know my boys, you can imagine them saying these things....
Camron :"Mommy, I am SO happy we gonna adopt a baby."
Mommy: "Me too Cam-Cam"
Camron: "Then we can have Jordan!"
Mommy:"Honey, you do realize the baby we adopt won't BE Jordan. You do know where Jordan is right??"
Camron: "Yes, Mommy, hims in Heaven."
Mommy: "That's right, he's with Jesus and we won't see him again until we go to heaven."
Jaxon (who chimes in from the back seat): "Camron, don't you know that when someone dies, you don't just forget about them, you don't just give their name to someone else! They live on in our hearts (points to his heart) and in our minds (points to his head)! Just because Jordan died, doesn't mean you can give his name to someone else, HE'S STILL OUR BABY. He's just our baby in heaven. Anyway, do you even know what it means to adopt??"
Camron: "yes"
Jaxon: "Let me just tell you. It means that Mommy isn't going to have this baby. Someone else is going to have it and then give it to us, so then it will be our baby too.
Caden:(who had been looking out the window, "thinking" and apparently taking all this is) Mommy, I sure hope God lets us keep this baby here on earth with us this time.
Mommy: Me too baby, me too (then of course we had the conversation that Jordan would never know the pains of this earth because he got to go straight to heaven....)

WOW, I just cried as I drove. How could I not. It makes my heart hurt that these boys have had to experience something like this BUT it also bring such joy to my heart to know that these boys have a deeper understanding for their heavenly Father because of this experience!

So, I ask you all, please be in prayer for our family as we begin this new chapter in our life.

a gift

I received a package in the mail the other day (always an exciting thing in our house!). I opened it to find a sweet card and a cd from a new friend. Someone I have never met but has provided me a lot of encouragement since the loss of Jordan. You see, it is hard to understand someone's heart unless you too have experienced the same loss. You can empathize and be there for someone, sure, but if you have actually been through it, you understand every detail...from the lowest of lows to the highest of highs. Unfortunately, Sarah also lost her sweet baby boy. I am blessed to have been "introduced" to her, even if only through emails (and now snail mail) and I am SO grateful!
Ok, now, back to the package...(sorry, I got a little sidetracked)...it was a CD. Watermark to be exact. I had never heard some of their songs but one just tugged on my heartstrings. It's called Glory Baby. If you haven't heard it, I ask you to please look it up and listen to it.
Sarah, thank you SO much! I LOVE it!

July 12th

To many people, today was just an ordinary day. Not for me. Today was my due date. The day we planned to welcome our 4th son into our family. We did welcome Jordan into our family. A lot earlier than planned. And Jesus welcomed him home unexpectedly. Unexpectedly to us that is, but not to Him. I wish I could explain the sense of peace in my heart. I know my child is in heaven. I know I will see him again one day. I miss him like crazy but I love the thought of him in Jesus' arms. I remember posting the verse, "weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning" (Psalm 30:5) early on and wow, how true that is. Ironically, all day today, I have had the song "Before the Morning" by Josh Wilson in my head. I love that song. I then heard it on the way to work this afternoon. Here are the lyrics for those of you who haven't heard it....(and I recommend you listen to it if you haven't)

Do you wonder why you have to,

feel the things that hurt you,

if there's a God who loves you,

where is He now?

Maybe, there are things you can't see

and all those things are happening

to bring a better ending

some day, some how, you'll see, you'll see

Chorus:

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,

that you still have a reason to sing,

'cause the pain you've been feeling,

can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light

press on, just fight the good fight

because the pain you've been feeling,

it's just the dark before the morning

My friend, you know how this all ends

and you know where you're going,

you just don't know how you get there

so just say a prayer.and hold on,

cause there's good who love God,

life is not a snapshot,

it might take a little time,

but you'll see the bigger picture

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,

that you still have a reason to sing,

'cause the pain you've been feeling,

can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light

press on, just fight the good fight

because the pain you've been feeling,

it's just the dark before the morning

yeah, yeah,before the morning,yeah, yeah

Once you feel the way of glory,

all your pain will fade to memory

once you feel the way of glory,

all your pain will fade to memory

memory, memory, yeah

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,

that you still have a reason to sing,

'cause the pain you've been feeling,

can't compare to the joy that's coming

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,

that you still have a reason to sing,

'cause the pain you've been feeling,

can't compare to the joy that's coming

com'n, you got to wait for the light

press on, just fight the good fight

because the pain you've been feeling,

it's just the hurt before the healing

the pain you've been feeling,

just the dark before the morning

before the morning, yeah, yeah

before the morning

Here is a picture of Jordan's beautiful monument.

front

back

To everything, turn, turn, turn

Ecclesiastes 3:1 says, "there is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:"
Lately the song, Turn, Turn, Turn has come to my mind quite often. Which then leads me to this verse. Is it coincidence? No! It is God. He continues to remind me that there is a season for everything. Some seasons last longer than others. Some seasons, you wish you didn't have to go through but in the end, you realize you are a better person because of them. This whole concept is so great to me. I only wish I could put to words what it means to my heart. I have gone through many a season in my life. Actually, over the past 2 months, I have experienced seasons that I thought I wouldn't see for many years to come. There is time for everything. Not our time friends, HIS time! I am a firm believer in the fact that everything happens for a reason...E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. No matter how minute or monumental.

June 29th, 2002

8 years ago, I married the love of my life! We have been through SO much over the past 13 years! We were high school sweethearts, we've been through boot camp, the Marines, college, 4 beautiful boys, a LONG hospital/NICU stay, numerous crazy health issues, a tragic loss, and so much more! Through it all, he has been my rock! I am so thankful for a loving husband who loves the Lord, loves his family and is a wonderful role model for his children! Here's to many more years of happiness!