I don't know why but from the minute I woke up this morning, I knew today was going to be hard. The boys, Chris and myself gathered the items we wanted placed inside the casket with our sweet Angel baby, Jordan. Jaxon gave me a small blue teddy bear. You know the ones you get at the craft stores. He thought it would be "perfect". Camron gave me a brown beanie baby bear that he says is "super soft". Caden gave me a baby blue beanie bear that says "it's a boy", although for whatever reason, Caden wanted to put "three things in dere Mommy". Chris wrote him a sweet letter on a baseball and added a ceramic Mickey Mouse he's had since he was little. I poured my heart out in a letter and added a tiny stuffed puppy that I have had since the day I was born.
I have never in my life seen a casket so small. 24 inches long and absolutely beautiful. I know that the casket holds nothing more than his body but I love that it is beautiful. Thank God that my baby is being held in the arms of Jesus right now. Thank God.
I was able to hold him one last time. I could have sat right in that chair and held is tiny body forever. He is the most precious thing I have ever laid eyes on. He may have already left this earth to be with our Heavenly Father but he will ALWAYS be my baby. He will always be my 4th son! I will always be blessed for having 4 boys. I have no earthly idea why this is happening to us. I cannot fathom why God decided he needed my child before I ever got to know him. But I am so thankful I serve a powerful and almighty God who DOES know. Regardless of how much I like to be in control, one thing I have learned in my roller coaster of a life is that I don't get to. Not now, not ever. This will all make perfect sense to us one day. Oh, how I long for that day to come.
I will end this post by saying I am SO brokenhearted. Brokenhearted to the point that I question how I will ever return to normal. I know that I will, don't get me wrong. I have been blessed with 3 wonderful, healthy boys who need their Mommy. Therefore, I will NOT crawl into that hole that I have been threatening to find. But back to my point, I am broken hearted. My spirit may be crushed right now but just like Psalm 34:18 says The Lord is CLOSE to the brokenhearted and saves those whose are crushed in spirit. I can feel His arms around me and I am so thankful I know Him. I cannot imagine going through something of this magnitude and not knowing Jesus.
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15 comments:
jenn,
i love you so much...i wish i could just wrap my arms around you right now and take the pain away. i am so happy that you are clinging to the Lord. i am still praying all the time for you.
you are such a great mommy. your sweet boys are proof of that.
jojo
I am so thankful you know our Lord, and savior! I can't even begin to imagine why this ever happened, or how it will change who you are, but I know that no matter what, Jordan had the best Mommy ever!
From the moment Brooke told me, I couldn't stop praying, but at the same time I was singing Audrey's song.
There were photographs i wanted to take
Things i wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?people say that i am brave but i`m not
Truth is i`m barely hanging on
But there`s a greater story
Written long before me
Because he loves you like this
So i will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And i will praise the one who`s chosen me
To carry you
Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But i know
That the silence
Has brought me to his voice
And he says
I`ve shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?
I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And i will praise the one who`s chosen me
To carry you
Although I know my losses were nothing compared to this, this song got me through both of them. As much as it hurts, I am thankful for EVERY moment that God allowed me with all my babies. I am thankful that he chose me, and that he knew what was best for my babies, not to mention me.
I love you!
And will continue to pray!
Jenn, I have been praying extra hard for you today. Now I know why. God is good like that, to have the army of prayer warriors praying harder on His call, not knowing the exact reason. I have been praying:
2 Corinthians 1:3-7 "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings overflows. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort."
Jenn,
I didnt know how else to get this message to you. Please take a minute and listen to two songs by Mandisa "Broken Hallelujah" and also " He is with you". Let me know and I will get you a copy after you listen to them. I heard them today and my thoughts went straight to you and have been praying for you constantly. you are a awesome mommy and a Godly lady, just know that HE IS with you.
Loving you and praying extra hard for your strength today. You will make it through this, I promise.
Jenn,
Just keep clinging to Jesus and ask Him to help you get through each day. Jordan will always be your baby boy...he counts completely, every little bit of him. Don't ever let those thoughts in your head that try to discredit his life. He was here on this earth for 30 weeks. God made him perfect and loves him so much. Even more than you ever could, as hard as that may seem right now. He is dancing w/ Jesus and is happy and free from the pain of this world. You are a wonderful mother of 3 sweet boys on earth and one angel in heaven. I love you and am always praying for you. Just know that I'm here for you if you need anything. I wish I could do more for you and help bear this burden and pain but you will be able come out on the other side. Keep your eyes on the light of Jesus. Keep doing what you are doing. Love you girl!
Hana
Jenn,
My heart goes out to you and I will still keep praying for you. This is hard and I am glad you are looking toward the Lord through this sad, dark days.
Hugs....Karen
Thinking of you and your family during this diffucult time!! I hope the arms of Christ hold you tight and you find peace.
Lots of love,
April Carter
Jenn you all are in our thoughts & prayers. I know how hard it is for you. You are correct in saying he will always be your son (your little boy). Let me know if you need anything or to talk. I am here for you if you need me.
Nancy Woodyard
Hang in there Jenn. I love you! God loves you too!
Jenn,
I do not know you, but I stand with you in prayer. During the darkness, may it not overcome you, and may God be with you in the exact way you need Him to be in each and every moment. And in each and every moment, know that the gates of heaven are being flooded with prayer for you and your family.
A sister in Christ,
Robin Fitzgerald
Jenn,
Praying continuously that God will give you, Chris, the boys and your family shelter in his wings (Psalm 61:4) and hold you tight and give you strength and comfort today, tomorrow and the weeks and months ahead. You are a wonderful mommy and child of God. Please let me know if there is anything we can do for you.
"An angel wrote in the Book of Life
Your baby's date of birth.
Then whispered as she closed the book
'Too beautiful for Earth'"
I'm Janet Klos's sister...please know that your strong faith will guide you through this and that there are many friends and strangers out there praying for you and your dear family.
Rena Warmath
God loves you so much and he will comfort us even when we want to refuse to be comforted. He knows what we need even before we ask for it. He knitted us in the womb and knows us better than anyone else. He will hold you in his arms.
I am so sorry for the loss of your son,I know it is heartbreaking. My 3rd child was also stillborn. Hold tightly onto your faith and your family, they will get you through. May you have comfort in knowing that you will be together with your baby boy in Heaven. God Bless, Sue
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