My Many Colored Days by Dr. Suess

Some days are yellow.
Some are blue.
On different days I'm different too.
You'd be surprised how many ways I change on Different Colored Days.
On Bright Red Days how good it feels to be a horse and kick my heels!
On other days I'm other things.
On Bright Blue Days I flap my wings.
Some days, of course, feel sort of Brown.
Then I feel slow and low, low down.
Then comes a Yellow Day and Wheeeeeee I am a busy, buzzy bee.
Gray Day....Everything is gray. I watch. But nothing moves today.
Then all of a sudden I'm a circus seal! On my Orange Days that's how I feel.
Green Days. Deep deep in the sea. Cool and quiet fish. That's me.
On Purple Days I'm sad. I groan. I drag my tail. I walk alone.
But when my days are Happy Pink it's great to jump and just not think.
Then come my Black Days. MAD. And loud. I howl. I growl at every cloud.
Then comes a Mixed-Up Day. And WHAM!
I don't know who or what I am!
But it all turns out all right, you see. And I go back to being...me.

This book came to mind today as I sat alone with my thoughts. I couldn't help to think how well this describes me right now. I feel so brown. I feel so purple. I feel so grey. I feel so black. I really don't know who or what I am but I do know that one of these days, the other colors will return and I WILL go back to being me.

Baby steps

I left the house today. I mean, I left the house for something other than something I was forced to leave the house for. Well, Chris and Mom sorta "forced" me but the point is, is that I did it. Mom and I usually do some sort of shopping on Mother's Day. So I left the house today. I did a little shopping with my Mom. I went to Target, Kohl's and CVS. Nothing too exciting. Mom even offered a pedicure but I declined. It's too soon for that I think. Those poor women may not understand if I start weeping while getting my toes done. I wouldn't want them to think they were hurting me ;).
I got part of the most beautiful ring today (the other part is being shipped here). Since before Christmas, I have said I wanted a stackable mother's ring. You know, the sort of expensive ones. 3 bands with sapphires and diamonds since Jaxon, Camron and Caden are all September babies and 1 band with emeralds and diamonds because Jordan was a May baby. I love it. It's just what I wanted.
I also got a very unexpected surprise today. One I'm still not quite able to wrap my mind around. My bif stopped by with a tissue box. I thought, silly girl, doesn't she know I have plenty of tissues around this house. The box was full of donations from our amazing church family. We definitely have the greatest Sunday School family and MOPS family ev-er. I am so at a loss for words...and those of you who know me well, know that is NOT an easy things to do. Thank you all so much. We love you dearly.
For all of you Mommy's out there. I hope you had a great Mother's Day. This was the hardest Mother's Day I have ever had BUT God has given me 3 healthy boys and for that I am thankful. I am thankful that the one I lost is in heaven smiling down on us, awaiting the day we will again be together. In the midst of my pain, in the midst of this emptiness, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am blessed.

I'm ready to share the butterfly story

This was an email sent out late Wednesday night to those who attended Jordan's Memorial service. To get you up to speed, one of our closest family friends went over and above and got us butterflies to release at the service. This is SO God.....

Just now, Chris and I came upstairs to go to bed. He was going to jump in the shower so I sat down here at the computer to check email. Earlier I had gone through the box that held those wonderful butterflies today deciding what to do with the last few "packets". There were 4 empty packets (we had given some to our parents and grandparents, etc.). I had been teary earlier as I held the box, talked to Chris about them, was just so thankful to have been able to do that. We made extra sure that box made it home. I held it earlier when the family was here, left it on the stairs till I came upstairs earlier this afternoon where I have sat numerous times today, alone in the quiet in my room. All that said, Chris started running the water, I was reading the email and I heard a noise. It was a fluttering noise. I first looked at our window for a fly or something then I noticed the box. I grabbed it, pulled everything out and there were 5 packets in the box, one containing a lone butterfly still waiting for his release. I yelled for Chris which of course scared him, we went downstairs (yes he got dressed first) and we released our last little butterfly. One of the smallest of them all, in our own front yard. It just seems amazing to me and I wanted to share it with those of you who were there.

Today, I decided I wanted to share it with the rest of you. God works in mysterious ways. I had not seen nor heard anything in that box the entire day. This was nothing short of a miracle to me. Our God is an AWESOME God. He knew I needed that last butterfly. He knew Chris and I needed that time, alone, together here at home to release him into the world on the day we released our earthly son to our Heavenly Father.

A poem from Mommy

For 30 weeks we waited so
Patiently for you to grow
Our 4th little boy, we had it all planned
Our life together would be so grand

The trips we'd take, the ball we'd play
The funny little things you'd say
Your brothers would teach you songs to sing
What joy your little life would bring

But on the very 1st of May
We discovered life wouldn't go that way
For God had a different plan
A plan I don't yet understand

Like an angel in heaven looking down
Wearing a beautiful golden crown
My precious son I'll never know
I'll never get to watch you grow

The day will come, the time will be
When God will also call on me
And on that beautiful, glorious day,
In my loving arms you'll stay.

Today has been the hardest

I don't know why but from the minute I woke up this morning, I knew today was going to be hard. The boys, Chris and myself gathered the items we wanted placed inside the casket with our sweet Angel baby, Jordan. Jaxon gave me a small blue teddy bear. You know the ones you get at the craft stores. He thought it would be "perfect". Camron gave me a brown beanie baby bear that he says is "super soft". Caden gave me a baby blue beanie bear that says "it's a boy", although for whatever reason, Caden wanted to put "three things in dere Mommy". Chris wrote him a sweet letter on a baseball and added a ceramic Mickey Mouse he's had since he was little. I poured my heart out in a letter and added a tiny stuffed puppy that I have had since the day I was born.
I have never in my life seen a casket so small. 24 inches long and absolutely beautiful. I know that the casket holds nothing more than his body but I love that it is beautiful. Thank God that my baby is being held in the arms of Jesus right now. Thank God.
I was able to hold him one last time. I could have sat right in that chair and held is tiny body forever. He is the most precious thing I have ever laid eyes on. He may have already left this earth to be with our Heavenly Father but he will ALWAYS be my baby. He will always be my 4th son! I will always be blessed for having 4 boys. I have no earthly idea why this is happening to us. I cannot fathom why God decided he needed my child before I ever got to know him. But I am so thankful I serve a powerful and almighty God who DOES know. Regardless of how much I like to be in control, one thing I have learned in my roller coaster of a life is that I don't get to. Not now, not ever. This will all make perfect sense to us one day. Oh, how I long for that day to come.
I will end this post by saying I am SO brokenhearted. Brokenhearted to the point that I question how I will ever return to normal. I know that I will, don't get me wrong. I have been blessed with 3 wonderful, healthy boys who need their Mommy. Therefore, I will NOT crawl into that hole that I have been threatening to find. But back to my point, I am broken hearted. My spirit may be crushed right now but just like Psalm 34:18 says The Lord is CLOSE to the brokenhearted and saves those whose are crushed in spirit. I can feel His arms around me and I am so thankful I know Him. I cannot imagine going through something of this magnitude and not knowing Jesus.

blue and white gingham

24 inches long and blue and white gingham. The inside bears a little heart with fluffy white pillows. This best describes the casket we just chose for our baby. Our baby who we prayed for. For so long, for so hard, we prayed. Just as it is said in 1 Samuel, For this child I prayed; and the LORD hath given me my petition which I asked of him:
I carried Jordan for 30 weeks. These were 30 wonderful, awesome weeks. The joy that I felt during those weeks, I cannot explain. I wanted him so badly. We all did. We wanted our 4th boy. We looked forward to the "oh my goodness" comments and the open mouthed stares. We prayed for this child and yes, the Lord gave him to us. Though, he also took him away. Too soon for us, but not too soon for Him. God needed him. My son is dancing in heaven with Jesus right now. He will never face the cruelty of this world. He will never experience the hurt we feel every day.
Friends, please don't read this and think I am okay with what has happened because I am NOT okay with this. I have full faith that my my God is an almighty powerful God but right now I am mad. I am angry and I DO NOT understand. I cannot stop the tears. I cannot understand. I cannot make any sense of it whatsoever. So I cling to what I do know. I cling to the fact that I will hold my baby again. I will kiss his face again and when I do, he will be able to squeeze me back. He will be able to give me the biggest, wettest kiss ever. Until then....Please pray that I will find a way to be ok.

Jordan Robert Duke

At 12:16 am, this morning, we welcomed our 4th son into this world. He weighed 3lbs 8oz. and was 16in long. He was beautiful. Perfect in every way. He never took a breath, he never cried. But you see, his life was already better than mine and better than yours. He was already with Jesus. For reasons that I cannot even begin to fathom right now, our son was taken from us much much sooner than I ever dreamed. I don't know why this happened. I honestly can make no sense of it what so ever. But I trust completely, fully, and whole heartedly that there IS a reason. One day I will know. One day, that reason will be made clear to me. One day.
Friends, I thank you so much for the calls, emails, texts, facebook messages, etc. It means so much to our family. I cannot put in to words the pain I am feeling right now. If it were physically possible for a heart to be broken, mine would be. It will take time, lots of it I'm sure.
At this point, we are not sure if there is a medical reason this happened. We are planning a small grave side service for our family. I can't even really wrap my mind around that right now. I am 30 years old and I have to plan my babies funeral arrangements.
I know many of you have tried to call. I really can't talk right now. Please know I love you and I covet your prayers but I can't talk about it. It just hurts too badly right now. Please continue to pray for our family. Pray that Chris and I are able to deal with this in the best way we know how. Pray our boys can make sense of this the best way their little minds are able.