I have been going through some things lately that have been left untouched for a while. I didn't realize how many cards we received from so many people. I am SO thankful for all the kind and uplifting words in those cards. I was overwhelmed yesterday looking back at them. Honestly, I don't remember seeing half of them....although, I know I did. I, personally, opened and read every single one as it came in the mail but I guess my brain was in too much of a fog to remember them all.

A friend of mine recently shared this poem with me and I wanted to share it here:
A butterfly lights beside us like a sunbeam,
And for a brief moment,
It's glory and beauty belong to our world.
But then it must fly again.
And though we hate to see it go,
We feel so blessed to have seen it.
~author unknown
I love this poem. How true! I feel so lucky to have had the butterflies to release at Jordan's funeral. I also feel so lucky to have the memory of the lone butterfly who waited until we got home to be released. I'll always look at butterflies differently!

One of the things that I have been fearful of during this storm, is having to tell someone what happened. Having to say the words. Those dreaded words..."we lost our Jordan". I finally returned to church Sunday. I had to say them Sunday. It was hard. Tonight, we took the boys to Awana. I ran into someone else who didn't know what had happened. It is a VERY uncomfortable situation. I thought it might be easier each time but a wiser, more seasoned mother in this specific area told me I was wrong and I believe her. I think 2 years down the road, there will be days when I will react the same way I did Sunday. I will say the words, then the tears will come.
I have to share this quote. I love when God gives you quotes and verses that you just NEED...I needed this one today...
"Living a life of faith means never knowing where you are being led. But it does mean loving and knowing the One who is leading. It is literally a life of faith, not of understanding and reason --a life of knowing Him who calls us to go." ~Oswald Chambers

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*a side note*
Please be in prayer that my CK levels don't go haywire. They have gone up a little. Not enough to change medication or anything but I am praying that won't happen! Thank you!

a new Sunday tradition

I never thought at 30 years old, I would frequent a cemetery, but I will. This has quickly become one of my favorite places. Here are the boys visiting Jordan's grave site. At 4 and 6 years old, they have become wise beyond their years. Jaxon asked the other night if I knew when Jesus was coming back. I told him, no, we don't know exactly. He simply replied, "well Mom, I am ready....(long pause).... and I hope my brothers are ready too." He looks forward to the day he will meet his baby brother. I think it's precious. Bless his heart.

This is our temporary marker until we get the head stone.

We each take a flower. The sweet golf ball was taken by Daddy-O the morning before the men at church left for the golf trip.

My talks with Jaxon remind me of this quote that I read in a journal given to me that reads "Faith is to believe what we do not see; and the reward of this faith is to see what we believe." ~Augustine

I do too

"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." Romans 5:3-5
I have come to love this verse more and more over the past few weeks. I love how God's word can take on different meanings depending on what you are going through in your life. Depending on what you need at that time in your life. God is good.
Through a LOT of prayer this week, a lot of prayer and perseverance, I have realized a lot about myself. I feel like I have made great strides in my grieving process. My great strides may seem like baby steps to the next guy but they are BIG strides for ME. This life that I am living may not be what I would have chosen for myself BUT, I don't get to choose. This is the life my Creator chose for me. Therefore, I am going to live it to the best of my ability. I AM living it to the best of my ability.
I don't want to be known as the poor woman who lost her baby. I want to be known as the lucky woman who has been blessed with 4 boys. Yes, one of those boys is in heaven but he's still my son. I am not, nor will I ever be, "over" Jordan's death. You don't get over things like that. You just find a way to work through it. I will be a better person because of this. I AM a better person because of this. I'm quite sure that each day there will be a new "reminder". There will be many "things" that are going to remind me that I thought Jordan would be here during "this" or "that". But, there will also be a constant reminder that because of my trust in the Lord, I made it through this storm.
Jaxon asked me last night, "Mommy, why did God want Jordan to die?". I told him I didn't know the answer to that. I told him we may never know the answer to that but that God is an omniscient, all powerful God and we aren't supposed to know these things, we just trust Him. He said "okay Mommy, I do".
I do too.

It's okay to cry

Psalm 30:5 says "Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." My morning may not come tomorrow, but it will come.
I am on an emotional roller coaster. It's up. It's down. It's spinning in circles. One minute I will think I'm fine and then, BAM, before you know it, here come the tears! One thing I am realizing is, it's okay. I am 100% free to have ALL of these feelings. God knew the twists and turns this ride was going to take me on WAY before I ever hopped on board. He also knows just how long it's going to take me to go through this grieving process. God is the amazing Author of this book we call life. There are no unknowns for him. Proverbs 3:5 says "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding". I just have to trust that this will all work out. Trust that I am going to be okay. Trust that the ride will calm down, eventually. I don't have to understand. I just have to trust HIM.

I don't know

I don't know:
how long I am going to feel like this.
how long my heart is going to feel like it's been torn into a gazillion pieces.
how long my arms are going to ache for my child.
how long I am going to cry at the drop of a dime.
how long I am going to not want to talk at all some days and want to talk a lot the next.
I just don't know.
I DO know:
I will feel better one day.
I serve a faithful God who is seeing me through the pain I feel.
HE knows how this is all going to play out eventhough I don't have a clue.
I need my family and friends.
I am SO incredibly blessed.

Do you know Him??

I don't really know where I want to go with this post. I have had the "title" in my head for the past few days. I have touched on this in a few of my recent posts but it's hitting me hard lately so I guess that means I need to hit my readers with it as well.

Do you know Jesus? Have you asked Him into your life? Do you know where you will be on that day He returns to this earth to take us home? Are you certain that when that day comes, you will be reunited with your loved ones at Heaven's gate? Friends, please, if you question this at all, tell me. No, I am not in a place emotionally right now that I can talk you through this but I can connect you with someone who can.

I cannot stress to you enough how fleeting each moment is. You never know what day will be your last. You never know when the words you speak to someone will be the last words they hear you utter. I say this to you so you will make the most of EVERYTHING you do. Don't put off till tomorrow what you can do today. When someone is taken from you, taken when you least expect it, you will understand what I am talking about...but then it will be too late. Don't question where you stand when it comes to your salvation. I would not be able to make it through this if I didn't know Jesus. I pray for strength and He gives it to me. I feel like I can't go on and He carries me. He knows what I need just when I need it.

I am going leave you with the lyrics to the song How you Live by Point of Grace to think about your life. Please make sure you are where you should be. Please make sure you are living your life the way you want to be....
Wake up to the sunlight
With your windows open
Don't hold in your anger or leave things unspoken
Wear your red dress
Use your good dishes
Make a big mess and make lots of wishes
Have what you want But want what you have
And don't spend your life lookin' back
Turn up the music
Turn it up loud
Take a few chances
Let it all out
You won't regret it
Lookin' back from where you have been
Cuz it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live
So go to the ballgames
And go to the ballet
And go see your folks more than just on the holidays
Kiss all your children
Dance with your wife
Tell your husband you love him every night
Don't run from the truth
'Cause you can't get away
Just face it and you'll be okay
Turn up the music
Turn it up loud
Take a few chances
Let it all out
You won't regret it
Lookin' back from where you have been '
Cause it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live
Oh wherever you are and wherever you've been
Now is the time to begin
So give to the needy
And pray for the grieving
E'en when you don't think that you can
'Cause all that you do is bound to come back to you
So think of your fellow man
Make peace with God and make peace with yourself
'Cause in the end there's nobody else
Turn up the music
Turn it up loud
Take a few chances
Let it all out
'Cause you won't regret it
Lookin' back from where you have been
'Cause it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live
'Cause it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live