I do too

"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." Romans 5:3-5
I have come to love this verse more and more over the past few weeks. I love how God's word can take on different meanings depending on what you are going through in your life. Depending on what you need at that time in your life. God is good.
Through a LOT of prayer this week, a lot of prayer and perseverance, I have realized a lot about myself. I feel like I have made great strides in my grieving process. My great strides may seem like baby steps to the next guy but they are BIG strides for ME. This life that I am living may not be what I would have chosen for myself BUT, I don't get to choose. This is the life my Creator chose for me. Therefore, I am going to live it to the best of my ability. I AM living it to the best of my ability.
I don't want to be known as the poor woman who lost her baby. I want to be known as the lucky woman who has been blessed with 4 boys. Yes, one of those boys is in heaven but he's still my son. I am not, nor will I ever be, "over" Jordan's death. You don't get over things like that. You just find a way to work through it. I will be a better person because of this. I AM a better person because of this. I'm quite sure that each day there will be a new "reminder". There will be many "things" that are going to remind me that I thought Jordan would be here during "this" or "that". But, there will also be a constant reminder that because of my trust in the Lord, I made it through this storm.
Jaxon asked me last night, "Mommy, why did God want Jordan to die?". I told him I didn't know the answer to that. I told him we may never know the answer to that but that God is an omniscient, all powerful God and we aren't supposed to know these things, we just trust Him. He said "okay Mommy, I do".
I do too.