I guess blog followers know that some days people will have bad days...this is one of them for me
Today I feel BLACK.....
I am angry today. I feel pressured. I feel forced. I'm just not happy. Obviously I know I'm not supposed to feel happy but I wish I could explain. I wish I had the words to make people understand. I don't know anyone who has lost a child. If I do, and my brain is forgetting you right now, I'm sorry. I have never even lost an older relative. The closest I have lost is the sibling of a best friend. It's just not the same. I don't have memories to cling to. I don't have "that great trip we took", or photos of great times. My child never took a breath so the only memories I have are of his lifeless body. Yes, I will treasure those forever but it's not the same. My arms ache to hold him again. My breasts are full of milk that he will never drink. My uterus hurts as it tries to get back to "normal". I have things I planned to do. Many, many things that were supposed to involve Jordan. That is SO hard to think about.
Yes, friends, I will be me again but it will be a new me. I will be okay again, but I can't promise you when. I will have a "new normal" as I've said many times but NOT YET. It's only been 10 days. 10 days and my pain is still fresh. Physically and emotionally it's like an open wound that is constantly being dipped in salt. Some things are inevitable, some things are accidental. Regardless, it hurts.
Right now, the "real" world is almost scary to me. Scary because my little world has not yet started turning again and all of yours has. I'm not ready for that. I am perfectly content sitting it my quiet time chair imagining I am sitting in the lap of Jesus. Knowing, waiting for him to take the pain away. Little, by little. Step, by step. One day at a time. In what ever way HE sees fit.
Teaching Textbooks Giveaway with a Tablet!!
4 months ago
5 comments:
Jenn, praying for people in your life to allow you to feel all of your colors. I wish our world could stop with you too. I think your chair is a perfect place for you to be right now and I pray you will be encouraged by the Words of God who loves you so.
Kristina
Jenn, I feel your pain, I'm one of those whom your brain is forgetting, and I understand why. May 20th will only be four months. 10 days out is sooo hard, and you will still be angry after 4 months. You will still long for understanding. I am here if you need to chat, though I promise you I will not be able to do so without tears. I have been praying for you and still for myself, for understanding and peace. With love,
Amy Files Fuqua
Lifting you up this very moment! Praying for comfort when you cry and for strength when you feel like you can't go on.
Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank you so very much for Jenn and what her friendship means to me. Lord I pray that this very moment you will wrap your loving arms around her and let her feel your presence. Make it unmistakeable Lord! Pour down your love and grace on her and give her the strength to make it thru these most difficult days. Lord I know that she is in so much pain and I pray that you would shield her from the hurt and cradle her in your arms. Even though we don't know why you chose to take Jordan home I pray that you would give Jenn a perfect peace that only you can. Wash away those ugly "black" feelings and replace them with a genuine joy...not b/c she is happy to have lost her son, but b/c she knows your truths and has the hope that comes from knowing your son Jesus. Lord thank you for who You are! Thank you for never leaving us even in our darkest hour! In Jesus Name, Amen.
Lifting you up today....
Praying for you. It is so hard, even after 9 months. It will get better, but give yourself the room that you need to grieve the way you need to. And you're right, you will never be the same. Being a mommy to a baby in heaven changes your perspective forever, but hopefully you will eventually find that your Jordan has changed you for the better. Hang in there. Sending my love, Sarah
Post a Comment